Freedom Is Here and Now

I don’t really know how to begin this. An insight has revealed itself in my life which has simply turned my whole world upside down - or rather right side up! The insight is that Freedom, that which i have sought since i was a teenager, is right here and now. Here follows the tapestry of my spiritual journey. It is quite compressed - i have left out many significant experiences and tried to concentrate on the golden thread.

For many years, i was deeply involved in a yoga society where the emphasis was on practicing spiritual techniques. I was told that if i were to just meditate long enough, just do enough sadhana (spiritual practice), just obeyed my guru and believe in the cosmology, then some day in some life, i would get rid of the awful ego and attain Enlightenment. I followed all the proscriptions and prescriptions: dressed in white, ate vegetarian food, avoided non-medical drugs, coffee and alcohol, read spiritual literature. In spite of all the years of discipline, however, i continued to be haunted by a sense of incompleteness. The longing grew steadily and i had many experiences, but the countless limitations i had made me feel that Enlightenment was simply light-years away.

In 1991, after 17 years in the yoga society, it was simply clear that it was time to leave - without bitterness or confusion. I had no illusions of grandeur, but the structure just felt too small and suffocating. Without finding anything else, i sort of drifted around spiritually speaking for two years. Practiced Vipassana meditation half-heartedly a bit.

Glimmer in the night
One day in February 1993, a good friend told me of a master called Nisargadatta Maharaj he had discovered in the book I Am That. I was not especially interested in getting involved with any new master at that point, but my friend was quite excited and he read some passages for me:

Question: How is it done?
Maharaj: There is no ‘how’ here. Just keep in mind the feeling ‘I am’, merge in it, till your mind and feeling become one. By repeated attempts you will stumble on the right balance of attention and affection and your mind will be firmly established in the thought-feeling ‘I am’. Whatever you think, say, or do, this sense of immutable and affectionate being remains as the ever-present background of the mind.

His message was that it is only identification with thoughts which keep one from experiencing God/the Self/Freedom permanently in ones life. His words veritably shone with clarity, light and joy. It was beyond all doubt that this man lived in That which he spoke of and my heart stirred with hope.

It was only two weeks later, that i came into contact with two other remarkable masters. An acquaintance had recently returned from Lucknow, India, and called a meeting where she told us about a H.W.L. Poonja, disciple of the well-known Ramana Maharshi. Poonja, or Papaji as he is called, holds Satsang which means ‘Meeting with Truth’. Formal Satsang is an opportunity to be with a self-realized person, to be able to ask questions, give reports of experiences, share inspiration with poems and songs etc. The next day, we watched a Satsang video with Papaji. We also saw parts of a Satsang video with Gangaji, a self-realized American woman who is a disciple of Papaji. These two expressed the same meaning as Nisargadatta:

Papaji: Myself, emptiness, consciousness - same thing. You can’t step out of it. It’s always there. We only think it is not there, therefore we search. Sometimes I am searching for glasses with which to read. Searching for the glasses while wearing them. I search everywhere and don’t find them. I see everything and don’t find them. Through the glasses I am looking, because without the glasses I can’t see, I can’t search. Yet I can’t see the glasses, I can’t find them out there.

Gangaji: Yes! The experience of being bound is not really being bound. The thought of bondage leads to the experience of suffering only because it is believed to be reality. In the willingness to be still, no one can be found either bound or released from bondage. There is only That; the indefinable, limitless consciousness in which all definitions of bondage and liberation arise and end.

All this made me quite giddy. I who had filled my life with all kinds of spiritual techniques was now faced with the quite provocative statement that the only thing required to be Free was to stop all techniques and strategies - and to stop believing in thoughts that i am not Free. "No way, it can’t be that simple - !" was my first reaction. But at the same time, i had really come to the end of the rope. I had been seeking and practicing for so long without any lasting result. Besides, they seemed so certain about what they were saying and their radiance could not be missed. All three shone with such an enormous power yet at the same time such a deep peace, joy and humor that i was quite captivated by them.
Papaji was over 80 years old and i felt that i just had to meet him before he left this earthly life. So in April 1993, i traveled to Lucknow.

To look into Papaji’s face was like looking into the face of a lion. Such an incredible power! I reported that, despite many fantastic experiences down through the years, i still felt that consciousness was limited to my body. He told me to go inside, there and then, and see if this really was the case. The interchange ended up with my having the strongest experience of Beingness in my life up to then. A mountain-like massive all-pervading Silence or Rest revealed itself which simply wanted to devour everything else: all thoughts, plans, ideas and opinions. The closest analogy i can think of is the total rest one feel during deep sleep. But i was awake - in fact, i felt more awake than ever before. The experience lasted for over five hours.

The Countdown
Well back in Sweden again, i turned my attention with renewed vigor upon consciousness, my own feeling of "I". This lead to a number of strong experiences. After a few months, however, my old life took the upper hand. I thought now and then especially about Gangaji but it wasn’t until January 1995 that i finally took myself by the collar and sought out the couple who had shown the Gangaji video two years earlier. They loaned me a few audio tapes and that was when the countdown really began.

I was so violently taken by her - her words of nectar, blissful smile, liberating laughter and wisdom - that i nearly renounced my entire life here in Sweden to go live in her vicinity in the US. I realized that this was an expression of escapism but there was no denying: she had captured my heart like it had never been captured before. I wrote several letters to her and she graciously wrote back. Decided to travel to her during the coming summer.

Satsang with Gangaji can not be described - it must be experienced. It is, of course, different for different people but for me it was simply heaven to sit in her presence and witness the interchange between her and others in the hall. I had an exchange with her myself where she said sternly, "Considering the depth of your experience, you have simply no excuse. Stop all this nonsense! This can’t be figured out. Relax, let go."

Came back to Sweden without any visible change. There now began a dramatic time. I wanted so desperately to be Free but at the same time knew that i could not do anything to attain it. It was the ultimate paradox: moments of the most sublime bliss and peace would be followed by absolutely hellish experiences of being in a tiny box with no way out: total desperation, anguish and enormous inner suffering. When it was most intense, i felt a practically physical pain in my chest as if some dull object were being pressed hard there.

The Beginning of the End
One beautiful day in august 1995, a few weeks after my return, i took a walk in the woods. I was in a state of deepest peace and harmony. Half-way home, the old misery came up. "This is all well and good - but what about my separation and suffering? That’s right... Oh, no, no..." BUT through some unfathomable Grace, i saw what was happening! Everything was perfect - until i began to think thoughts of separation and suffering. I saw that the problem lay in the blind acceptance of these thoughts as true. As soon as i embraced them in my consciousness like this, the experience of separation and suffering arose.
This insight hit me like a thunderbolt and i laughed loud and long: "God, incredible... What a huge trick i’ve been playing on myself!" It really was as easy as they said! The traumatic roller-coaster ride was at an end.

During the autumn, the Insight became clearer. There was, however, a basic feeling of attachment to Gangaji. Answering my letters, she wrote, "It is your own Self you see in me." But i didn’t want to accept that. I had the idea that Realization, when it all boils down, was impersonal. And i was afraid i would lose my love for her and others in some kind of peaceful yet impersonal cosmic Oneness.

The Truth Dawns
In January 1996, an acquaintance returned from Lucknow totally blissed-out in the sweet nectar of Being and she said she had "died" there. Conversations with her really shook me up and lead to several deepenings of the Insight - the most significant being the realization that time does not really exist. The past and future and "there" exist only when i think of them. In a quiet mind, there is only an eternal here and now. Time continued on the relative plane, of course, but it was experienced more like a fourth spatial dimension, a continuous blooming in consciousness. What a relief this was! It felt like a thousand pounds had fallen from my back and i was practically flying in tears of joy for more than an hour.
I told my acquaintance about it and while she was happy to hear it, she said that even Bliss comes and goes, that the Truth lies deeper still....

This revealed itSelf to me two months later - again during a walk in the woods. Quite undramatically, something let go inside. "I" gave up and in that moment i saw that I Am whole, full and free - unlimited consciousness. Far from losing my relationships as i had feared, i discovered that they were perfected in a way that i wouldn’t have dreamed possible. For now i was free from demands, expectations and fears. The Self is invulnerable and untouched and therefore i can finally open up to others unconditionally and relate fully with them.

Now
Now i can only say that This is more than i would have dared hope for. More and more the experience is that I am Home, eternally Home. I have become a child again, when the world was so big and full of adventure and magic. This unnamable Quality permeates everything and makes everything unearthly beautiful, unfathomably meaningful and endlessly captivating.

The ‘experience’ is similar to lucid dreams, that is when you are conscious of dreaming in the dream itself. It is the same feeling of, "Wow! This is really a dream - ! Incredible!" The same feeling of wonder and exaltation. It resembles also experiences with psychedelics and deep breathing, such as holotropic breathing. Or being in love. The difference is that This is so infinitely subtle and pure.

I cannot yet say that this is my permanent state. Sometimes old patterns take the upper hand. But This makes itSelf felt ever more often. When the experience of suffering arises in consciousness, it is a sign of non-acceptance. With this reminder, it is a matter of stopping the struggle, of surrendering and dying to Life as It is. Then That which cannot die is again revealed.

It is hard to keep quiet about this. Most everything in society goes against this truth of Freedom. We are conditioned - yes, brainwashed - from early childhood to believe that we need things, health, relationships and religions to be happy. And then we have all sorts of therapies, strategies and techniques to acquire these things and overcome obstacles.
But all this is false.

Happiness is right here and now. When i look around me, i see more and more clearly that there is nothing that is not enlightened. Every being is a unique expression of incredible beauty. It can get so strong that i literally fall in love with everyone i see: old people, "ugly" people, skinheads, businessmen... The same thrill in the heart.

It is so clear that the only thing that needs to be done - or rather un-done - to experience this is to let go of all the neurotic thoughts one  goes carrying around. Let go of the thoughts of both worth and worthlessness. Dare to let go of EVERYTHING and step into the Unknown.

If any of this resonates with you, dear reader, i invite you to not waste another minute. Don’t wallow in the lie of separation any longer. Investigate your consciousness and see for yourself: you are Free here and now. Wake up and Roar!

Dana Hofford Roxendal
August 3, 1998