Dear David,
I saw in Satsang with Gangaji summer 1995 that you needed material for a new book on Papaji. The following experience took place when i went to see Papaji for the first time two years ago and is based on my diary entries from the period.
In April 1991, i finally realized that it was time to leave the yoga society which i had been a member of since 1974. I could no longer relate to my guru and all the rituals, sadhanas, and dos and don'ts that made up the practise. I was kind of adrift and half-heartedly took to doing Vipassana meditation. Then, in the space of two weeks in February 1993, three masters stepped into and changed my life. A friend turned me on to Nisargadatta's I AM THAT and i was invited to see Papaji and then Gangaji on video! And i am eternally grateful for this incredible blessing. I acquired Wake Up and Roar and became more and more fired up. "I must see this man!" Decided quite spontaneously to go to India for two weeks to be with him.
When i arrived, i found that Papaji had just left the day before for Nepal for a week - ! Oh well, i knew i was taking my chances by coming so spontaneously.... I waited, going through all kinds of inner trips in the meantime. Finally, Papaji returned - only to come down with a cold = no Satsang. After a further four more days, Satsang finally took place. I had been fasting as a self-styled token of my sincerity and couldn't get into Satsang at all - i was so hungry and weak! Broke the fast later and the next day, i had one of the most sacred and long lasting experiences of my life.
While in my home country, i had bought some sweets for Papaji not knowing he was diabetic. Together with the sweets, i submitted a letter explaining that, though i had had many experiences of awakening, i still felt that consciousness was limited to my head.
[What follows is direct quotation from my diary. Everything within parentheses is later clarification. If you have access to the satsang video of this date, you may get more details - i don't have it myself.]
April 16, 1993 "It didn't look too good at first:
my package was at the bottom of the big pile of letters people had given
him. But already after the third letter, he opened the sweets to a child
sitting close by. God, did my heart start pounding! He read most of my
letter aloud and called me up. He questioned me, "What do you mean consciousness
feels limited to the body?" He had me there and then go inside and see!
I felt totally at a loss, foolish, exposed. Making a serious attempt to
go inside under glaring spotlights, in front of 200 people and video seemed
like a farce. Still, what could i do?
I closed my eyes and told him i felt quiet when
he asked me. He wanted me to recount exactly what happened. (Not satisfied
with my account, he had me go inside again.) While i was still sitting
there, he called up someone else. I was about to get up (to give the new
person my seat), but he made me stay. I meditated (and my mind was a veritable
storm. Obviously nothing was going to come of this but) when again i felt
it was time to go, i wound up in that trance state (that i had experienced
a few times before, characterized by a profound disinclination to move
either body or mind.) I just couldn't move! Papaji noted it pretty soon
and people started laughing.
Part of me thought it was purely self-induced but i really couldn't pull out of it. I felt i should and felt pained (over the situation. He noticed this and) said it was ok and i relaxed. He said, "You see, it affects people differently. Some people sing and dance, some laugh, others are quiet. But it is the same wine." At that, (something burst inside and) i let out a lion's laugh and the whole hall rocked with laughter. Papaji asked me something (like, 'So you come from Sweden, is it?') and it just seemed so absurd and i laughed again.
Looked in his face which was a powerful experience. All kinds of feelings rippled through me: reverence, awe, mirth, rejection, fear. It was like looking in a Lion's face, really. There was alot of power in it. He was smiling all the time. "Oh, God!" i tore my face away (i could hardly bear the intensity) and then looked at him again. Incredible. Felt a wave of total satisfaction and fulfillment roll through me and sitting there was the holiest of acts. I (was transformed by love and) felt simply like Jesus, an embodiment of Light. (I looked out over the gathering and felt such unconditional love for all.) Suddenly and unexpectedly, a bout of tears came on. All the while, very difficult to move my body.
He ultimately told me to move to the floor and it was no problem. But then was (back) in (the state) again. Despite mosquitoes and a very uncomfortable position (on a quite thin cushion), i just couldn't come to move. Along with this trance-like state was a feeling of a kind of solid nothingness where all thoughts were absorbed. For the next six hours, this nothingness took up fully ½ of my consciousness. My mind was functioning as usual but This was there demanding absorption. I just wanted to BE. The closest thing i can compare to is being in deep sleep. A feeling of utter rest....
(The experience lasted almost 6 hours but) gradually it weakened and went away."
In love,
Dana Hofford Roxendal
Gebersvägen 30
128 65 Sköndal
SWEDEN
Webmaster: Dana Hofford Roxendal
