Wednesday 25 August 2004

Something very important has happened for me recently and i really want to share it with you.

Down through the years i have had many powerful experiences of awakening sitting with Papaji, Gangaji, Vartman, Rahasya, Arjuna and Dolano. But somehow there has always been a reidentification with ego with comcomittant suffering.

Last November i crashed into a mire of anxiety and have been a recurring visitor there pretty much ever since. The bouts of anxiety became gradually worse and two weeks ago i was in a really bad state.

At this time, I went into a long-planned three day retreat, turning off the phone and computer. I was determined to get to the bottom of this issue of suffering once and for all. I immersed myself in satsang videos, tapes and books and really tried to focus on the question "Who Am I?" I could recognize the freedom and beauty in the satsangs but it didn't affect my state of anxiety at all.

It felt hopeless, i really felt damned, in a tiny box with no way out. Evidently, it all depends on Grace and yet the suffering was unbearable. On and on this went day after day. On the last day, with only a little time left with no respite in sight, i kind of said, "Well, Existence, there's only a couple hours left and i want to be set right before the retreat is over." I then happened to see Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now and started reading it and, man! What a book! Tolle gives the clearest presentation of what enlightenment is that i have come across; what the causes of suffering are and what one can do to rediscover the truth of Being and live a life of unfathomable peace, joy and love which is our birthright.

One of the problems i had with all the satsang books and tapes etc was that i perceived there to be an emphasis on Grace, that one must just relax and things will basically take care of themselves. There is nothing really that one can do to "get it". Tolle emphasizes however that by focusing on the Now, simply taking in what is going on in the body and in ones surroundings, one naturally falls more and more into pure awareness. Less energy goes to the thinking mind, identification with which is the cause of all suffering.

Anyway, i straight away applied this in practice. In the midst of my intolerable anxiety and depression, i just turned my attention to what was going on around me, the sights, sounds and smells. Immediately i experienced a deep calm. No bliss or ecstacy or fireworks, just peace and the indescribable Presence.

Now i can report that this is simply turning my life around! As soon as i see i am thinking of the past or the future unnecessarily, i turn my attention to what is here now: sensations in the body, what's going on around me. And i am once again at peace. I know it sounds too simple but it's true! And it is just so fantastic that i just must write to you about it!

So if you too are really tired of suffering, I highly recommend this book, i cannot praise it enough.

In deepest gratitude,
Dana

Monday 4 February 2002

Dolano was hammering, hammering home the truth of Being again and again. I asked myself, "Who Am I?" Waiting… My experience up to now was that whenever I checked, my infinite Being was undeniable but that somehow it had no consequence for my life.

On the morning of February 4th,  I was doing some yoga asanas, when I suddenly became aware that I was aware of the body being in me and not vice-versa. It was a funny two-step recognition in that I could see my not being in the body, yet not realize the significance of it for a few minutes. A good analogy is like when you have a headache for a long time and then goes away. But you don't realize it has gone for a while - when suddenly it dawns on you.

This recognition is not an experience, has not happened before and is completely different than all the "awakening" experiences I have had - even that during Rahasyas retreat (se below). Nothing happened, really, just a shift in perception. How could I be in the body? Like Dolano said, the ideas is ludicrous, patently absurd. Where would I have been? In my head is the usual answer. Okay, but then where? Behind the nose? In the pituitary gland? How big am I? A round ball of white light 2 x 2 x 2 cm? Or maybe a violet egg of shimmering rainbow colors? It is all so laughable - it doesn't stand to even the slightest scrutiny.

I felt as though I had hatched. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't get back in my head. I just simply saw that this was just an idea. I had been hypnotized! And it seems almost everyone is going around in the same kind of trance. Fortunately, it really doesn't stand serious impartial investigation, it is seen through. Yet - somehow - something else is needed… I don't know how this recognition happened. I guess I must say Grace. Though I was in the middle of this month-long Satsang Intensive with Dolano and much focussed on the truth of Being, the recognition came suddenly and totally unexpectedly and I really can't see any causal connection.

Being "thrown out of the body" was the key because if I am not in the body, everything just falls into place: I am eternal, timeless, immovable, untouchable awareness in which everything transpires. Undeniably so.

My relationship to the body is different now as well. It is no more "me" than any other body and it feels more like a robot now, a vehicle through which I can sense and express. Gangaji's words came, "The body is like your horse, you take care of it…"

When involved in thought activity, the experience of life is exactly as before recognition. Such as writing this. It is during life's many daily pauses that the Truth just shines. My body and all the world dramas is happening in me. I am in the middle of a lucid dream and the awe, love, gratitude and joy is beyond words. It is all I could ever have hoped for and more.

Om shanti shanti shanti
Dana

Thursday 24 August 2000
Ever since the Ängsbacka festival, there was an experience of a cramp in my heart, more or less strongly. During Arjuna's intensive and during the whole of Vartman & Susanna's stay in Stockholm, the cramp was almost transparent at times, but always tangible.

On the 7th of August, i had a dream where i was in Satsang with an unknown Indian master (see detailed account in dream section). After the satsang, i sat with four others and we agreed that it was important to hang out with people who really valued Truth. Woke up feeling really healed and just knew i had to go to Rahasya's retreat at Ängsbacka.

During the first day of the retreat, i felt generally frustrated and at times was really tired of all his talk of love and freedom, coming, of course, from a deep sadness: Why not me…? At the same time, it was obvious there was nothing i could to do - felt i was kind of suspended in an emptiness. I had no questions to ask, just resting with what is.

On Saturday August 19th, Rahasya lead us out to the “tent field” all the way back by the woods for a self-enquiry sitting. “Describe being Love,” was the koan. Right from the start, i felt as though i had been catapulted into Heaven. My first partner became a god – and everything was exuding, shining, radiating beauty: the clouds, the sun and sky, birds and breeze…

We changed partners and it only intensified. “Describe being Freedom.” At one point, i just realized that there was no separation. Before any thought or feeling, the fact of being timeless spaceless awareness was just obvious.

It was not an experience. All my previous experiences felt as though of the same type – just varying degrees of depth and clarity. But this was just simply seeing That which is before, during and after all experience. Previously, i could quite easily see that i was pure awareness whenever i investigated but it felt dry and lifeless. It somehow had no consequence for my daily life and this fact constantly exasperated me. But now i see that there had always been a slight mental activity making it into an object or experience.

Now it is just so obvious. All is perfect. There is absolutely nothing to do which is better or worse than anything else. There is an utter and total relaxation and relief. The whole miracle of – everything – causes an enormous upsurge of excitement, joy, reverence, peace and love. Wave upon wave – yet nothing touching this causeless Cause.

I didn’t report the realization in the following Satsangs considering all the false alarms i have had in the past. But since this time, the insight has remained.

What consequence has this had? While working or focusing attention on a specific task or train of thought, i can see absolutely no difference from before. The difference asserts itself when the attention is not focused on anything in particular. Then there is just the obviousness of Being=Me. The crazy uncle is as loud as ever but he is just laughable.

The next night, there was no tangible experience of This. A fear arose with the thought, “I have no control over this; it could leave me at any moment.” I could feel a knot developing in my chest and the thought, “Oh God, I – I have lost it – again!” But i just looked at what was happening. I could state that, yes, there was physical sensations and thoughts… and that was it! Read: No consequence. Relaxing, i again became aware of Being=Me and fell even deeper into the Unknowing.

In general the consequence seems to be that nothing can be taken seriously. Really – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MATTERS. And i feel drawn to meditation, to go within more and just rest in this. On the one hand, there is an unwillingness to speak about it seeing the utter, almost painful inadequacy of words. Still, i have shared it with several people. On all occasions, it feels like i’m kind of defiling it, and there are lots of thoughts and feelings of, “Who do you think you are?!” That the whole thing is a huge megalomanic trip. Yet… whenever i relax and investigate, i just see a timeless spaceless field of Being. So we’ll see. I invite all to come. Let everything that can die, die. I welcome it. I am untouched by sun or storm and the gratitude is endless.

Coming back home has been no change. Existence has been really testing me. I can feel the old reactions rising, yet with the unshakeable Truth as background, it is all so laughable: I have nothing to defend, nothing to hide! I can not be touched by so-called weaknesses and limitations of this body-mind – it is no more me than the trees or the clouds.
 

Monday 23 November 1998
-Ah, this precious moment which just never ends... What magic, what
divine revelation NOW.
What a blessing this week-end has been: 48 of us gathered together at
Soludden out on the shore of the Baltic.
Beautiful and far out place: you wondered if you were still on Planet
Earth! Lots of small nooks and crannys, no real central lighting just
hundreds of small lamps and directed spotlights illuminating the
sculptures, paintings and photos of Nature's beauty, dolphins, pyramids,
angels and hanging crystals everywhere. Homey and inviting, cushions in
the shape of suns and hearts, rainbow shawls draped around... They have
an indoor swimming pool, sauna and octaganol meditation room. 

The building was shaped in a square and the inner courtyard was covered
by a net which kept the white bunny and exotic birds, turtle doves and
peacocks among others, from leaving. 

Outside the house was simply surrealistic. A large glas pyramid which
could fit 6-7 people, smaller pyramids made out of panes of glass in
successively smaller sizes and illuminated from underneath, a big glass
sphere, an office chair stuck atop a pole 2-3 meters out in the water
about 1 meter up, small hidden lamps and colored spotlights, winding
paths... 

So in this environment we met in Truth and what a meeting! Time stood
still, Beauty and Love discovering itSelf in all seeming others there. 

We had Self-enquiry sittings where we sat together in twos. Looking in
each other's eyes, one asks the koan, "Tell me: Who are You?" or "Tell
me, what is this that is always here now?" The other person then talks
basically non-stop for 5 minutes what spontaneously comes up as an
answer to the Q. The listener remains silent and does not respond in any
way, just holding the gaze. They then switch over. This is repeated four
times. This hammers away at all conceptions of self, no escape. Nothing
coming out can touch the Whole, but there is just beautiful endless
revelation of aspects of This/Self/Presence. 

Vartman held a special Sex and relationships satsang where we could
discuss very frankly about these issues which are so often side-stepped
or avoided. Even in spiritual circles, there is still the subtle message
that sex is a sign of weakness, of lack of spiruatal maturity etc. The
desires for power, money, fame etc come from the ego-sense of
separation.
But Vartman made it clear that sex and intimacy is not a desire, it is a
need just like the need for food, shelter, sleep, physical safety etc.
The ego-sense can twist it into an expression of violence and arrogance
but in itself it is just a need of the body-mind.
Stop all the secondary mental activity surrounding sex (and everything!)
and there is just non-stop precious unfolding. 

Vartman is an angel, he is Love personified, he is I AM, he is my own
Self in pure reflection. Magic, real alchemical magic was worked for me
and many others there. 

I prostrate in this Beauty, this Mystery, this breath-taking Adventure
of Consciousness, this Love, This...
Ananda 

Friday 20 November 98
Here i sit eating Cap'n Crunch (a neighbor bought it for me when he was
in the States recently!) with Oat milk looking out over Drevviken lake.
Have seen deer several times from the window. 

It is a clear day, unusually, and the sun is shining. Crisp - and COLD
here! Outside it's around -5 degrees C, inside it's 15-16 degrees C
(~60-62 deg F) B-r-r! We haven't installed our pellets furnace yet and
so are running on a provisional solution with electricity, but it's not
up to the task. The pellets furnace should be installed within 1½
months. 

WE PASSED THE INSPECTION! Hurrah! 

We still have alot of painting to do and other odds and ends - but there
is no deadline (for better or for worse - this could mean we will NEVER
finish...!)
Kersti has been diligently unpacking boxes, the room that was full from
the floor to the ceiling with boxes is more than half gone now. We are
going to rent that room out starting 1/1/99. 

We finally are now able to do nr 2 in our urine-separating, dry toilet.
And it works! Faeces drop down into a plastic container where they dry
out. After ½ year or so, we change containers and compost the remains. 

Last Sat, we who live here had a mobile cocktail party to celebrate that
we were finished. Everyone, that is, 32 households, 60 adults and 25
children opened up their homes and spread out popcorn, chips and drinks.
And we started in the west wing and walzed our way thru the north wing.
Took a break to see a great slide show of the building process than on
over to the east wing. It was a 8 hr spree, Kersti and i conked out
after 7 hrs. 

So now, after 3½ years, begins a whole new phase: Living here! The
possibilities are seemingly endless as to what we can do together.
Already there is a car pool and a bus/subway card-pool. Just the fact of
being able to call someone if one misses the last bus and they come pick
you up, means a lot. Or taking care of the cats if we go away some
week-end. 

What a ground that has been laid! Exciting.
If you can read Swedish, check out our Home Page! The info is a bit old
but still!     http://www.ekbo.se/ 

Now i am soon off to a Week-end Satsang-retreat with Vartman with 50
others. 

Friday 11 September 98
My feeling is that all desire is actually the desire for lasting
happiness, satsisfaction, peace. We overlook the fact that we are
already Happiness and Peace itSelf right now. We turn to outer things,
feelings, emotions, relations and are disappointed again and again.
Ultimately we get tired of this and relax, give up and then we discover
our own natural freshness, aliveness and purity, that it is all right
Here, right now. This is Heaven on Earth. 

Thurdsday 27 August 98
It's really amazing. The freedom seems to not reside in the
disappearance of old tendencies and habits but rather in the absence of
indulging in endless analyses and judgements following the same. The
Self is pulling ever stronger the attention more and more into itSelf.
Love, Peace and Joy exude naturally from this center of Stillness. O,
sweet blessed magic! I rejoice in this quiet secret mirth. Not needing
any outer confirmation, the I Am is supreme and ever present.
Praise, endless praise
 

Wednesday 15 July 98
Very tired. We have two guys helping with the apartment. The apt in Bredäng is littered with packing boxes.
Had strongest experience ever of THAT a week ago. No angels singing or thunder - just the obviousness of existence Here and Now. There is no escaping it. Stop trying and there is peace that passeth all understanding. I was not moving my body, the Force moved me - i was just witnessing all creation in a state beyond all description. Joy, peace, love, wonder, fascination, the spirit of adventure all arising and merging into one Feeling and then dissolving into the silent Fact of Being. Liberation without someone being liberated. Oneness not admitting other.
There is no escaping from Now so there is just relaxing more and more... 

Monday 13 July 98
Body is in tough shape. Bad back problems worst in 10 years and tennis
arm really aching. That together with allergy and digestive problems...
Difficult to work on the apartment in such conditions. Very intense. Got
a carpenter to start helping starting today. We won't be finished in
time but most won't be. Having a B-day party 7/25 where people are
invited to give a helping hand.
All is very well on inside however. Peace glowing ever steadily.
Thankful for that. 

Thursday 9 July 98
Almost all my time is going towards building our new apartment in the
cohousing project. So intense! We move in in 2 months after 3½ years of planning etc.
Have bad back pains and mouse arm but otherwise doing well.
Really miss not going to Boulder this year... No time or money. Hopefully next year...
We continue to have Gangaji video satsang every other Sunday and
continue to get blown away each time. Usually 15-20 people come - less
during the summer. 

Monday 4 May 98
This journal is pretty sporadic. So very busy with EKBO. Have really started working more concentratedly with our apartment.
I need an ergonomic keyboard, my wrists are getting chronically sore from typing at bad angle. 

Friday 6 March 98
Focussing attention on the sense of 'I' is revealing a world full of blessings. Whenever i find myself getting caught up in seeming problems, i remind myself "All is well". I relinquish my attempts to control or direct life and - Wow - all i can say is there is such relief in that - and once again i find my Self in the Garden. Speechless before this obvious fact of Being. All is well! ALL IS WELL! Sing it, shout it! Consciousness - That which is - You - I - cannot be destroyed, cannot be defiled. God, what glorious good news. Hallejuya! All praise! 

I have started an ALU with HSB, our co-housing project building partner. In practice there will be no difference - i will continue to work full-time with the project. 

Showed the Robert Adam's Satsang video at Gaia last nite. Twelve people came. 

Wed 4 March 98
Deep Forest's latest CD is really great! Warmly recommend it. Inspired by Latin America this time. 

Shovelled out the rest of our future bathroom floor and cut up the wall where the door to our future bedroom will be into bite-size pieces - easier to load to take away. Phew! Wiped out. 

Really nice to walk to Gebers from Skarpnäck and back - peaceful meditation. 

Fri 13 feb 98
Spent the whole morning submitting my home page to all the search engines i could get my hands on. Sent e-mail to friends and relatives about it. Sore throat. 

Just now percieving the gloriousness of existence. Miracle of miracles... 

Thu 12 feb 98
Finally caught up with bookkeeping at EKBO - the ecological co-housing project. Great!
Decided to fulfill my period as member of JAK's board of directors - to 1999. 

Wed 11 feb 98
Met my spiritual brother, bosom buddy Axel. He turned me on to some nice music. Satsang as usual. What a precious gift This is! 

Removed rest of floor boards in our bathroom-to-be. Nicholas bought 2x4s for the wall between our bathroom and kitchen. 

Sun 1 feb 98
I have spent all day putting some finishing touches on my home page. But it's a never ending job so i've started to publish it. 

Got alot done in our future apartment at Gebers, the building we will be moving into in August this year.
Soon we will stop tearing down stuff and building up instead: walls, doorways etc. What a HUGE project this has turned out to be! Whew! 

Very cold here now - at least yesterday it was. Today i'm a little sick and have been inside all day.
 

Yours forever,
dana sky