Awakening with Rahasya
4 August 2000

Ever since the Ängsbacka festival, there was an experience of a cramp in my heart, more or less strongly. During Arjuna's intensive and during the whole of Vartman & Susanna's stay in Stockholm, the cramp was almost transparent at times, but always tangible.

On the 7th of August, i had a dream where i was in Satsang with an unknown Indian master (see detailed account in dream section). After the satsang, i sat with four others and we agreed that it was important to hang out with people who really valued Truth. Woke up feeling really healed and just knew i had to go to Rahasya's retreat at Ängsbacka.

During the first day of the retreat, i felt generally frustrated and at times was really tired of all his talk of love and freedom, coming, of course, from a deep sadness: Why not me…? At the same time, it was obvious there was nothing i could to do - felt i was kind of suspended in an emptiness. I had no questions to ask, just resting with what is.

On Saturday August 19th, Rahasya lead us out to the “tent field” all the way back by the woods for a self-enquiry sitting. “Describe being Love,” was the koan. Right from the start, i felt as though i had been catapulted into Heaven. My first partner became a god – and everything was exuding, shining, radiating beauty: the clouds, the sun and sky, birds and breeze…

We changed partners and it only intensified. “Describe being Freedom.” At one point, i just realized that there was no separation. Before any thought or feeling, the fact of being timeless spaceless awareness was just obvious.

It was not an experience. All my previous experiences felt as though of the same type – just varying degrees of depth and clarity. But this was just simply seeing That which is before, during and after all experience. Previously, i could quite easily see that i was pure awareness whenever i investigated but it felt dry and lifeless. It somehow had no consequence for my daily life and this fact constantly exasperated me. But now i see that there had always been a slight mental activity making it into an object or experience.

Now it is just so obvious. All is perfect. There is absolutely nothing to do which is better or worse than anything else. There is an utter and total relaxation and relief. The whole miracle of – everything – causes an enormous upsurge of excitement, joy, reverence, peace and love. Wave upon wave – yet nothing touching this causeless Cause.

I didn’t report the realization in the following Satsangs considering all the false alarms i have had in the past. But since this time, the insight has remained.

What consequence has this had? While working or focusing attention on a specific task or train of thought, i can see absolutely no difference from before. The difference asserts itself when the attention is not focused on anything in particular. Then there is just the obviousness of Being=Me. The crazy uncle is as loud as ever but he is just laughable.

The next night, there was no tangible experience of This. A fear arose with the thought, “I have no control over this; it could leave me at any moment.” I could feel a knot developing in my chest and the thought, “Oh God, I – I have lost it – again!” But i just looked at what was happening. I could state that, yes, there was physical sensations and thoughts… and that was it! Read: No consequence. Relaxing, i again became aware of Being=Me and fell even deeper into the Unknowing.

In general the consequence seems to be that nothing can be taken seriously. Really – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MATTERS. And i feel drawn to meditation, to go within more and just rest in this. On the one hand, there is an unwillingness to speak about it seeing the utter, almost painful inadequacy of words. Still, i have shared it with several people. On all occasions, it feels like i’m kind of defiling it, and there are lots of thoughts and feelings of, “Who do you think you are?!” That the whole thing is a huge megalomanic trip. Yet… whenever i relax and investigate, i just see a timeless spaceless field of Being. So we’ll see. I invite all to come. Let everything that can die, die. I welcome it. I am untouched by sun or storm and the gratitude is endless.

Coming back home has been no change. Existence has been really testing me. I can feel the old reactions rising, yet with the unshakeable Truth as background, it is all so laughable: I have nothing to defend, nothing to hide! I can not be touched by so-called weaknesses and limitations of this body-mind – it is no more me than the trees or the clouds.