Vartman's visit here in Stockholm recently (Oct 98) has been such a blessing, the greatest event in the history of Sweden in my opinion, really. Such clarity, peace and love... a sword of Truth. People have really been turned on. He held satsang almost every day for two weeks: at the first Satsang, we were 25 people, at the last we were over 90!

During the day long intensives, he used a technique called self-enquiry where we sat together in twos. Looking in each other's eyes, one asks the koan, "Tell me: Who are You?" or "Tell me, what is always here now?" The other person then talks basically non-stop for 5 minutes what spontaneously comes up as an answer to the Q. The listener remains silent and does not respond in any way, just holding the gaze. They then switch over. This is repeated four times.

Towards the end of one of these sessions on Oct 18, i got so frustrated: There was no denying it: there IS this presence here, now, and i am it - but i can't say anything about it! Somehow it was very irritating and frustrating. This woke up all the frustration, anger and despair over my whole life's story of trying and trying and never seeming to finally "get it". It really came to a head and i went up to Vartman later in Satsang and told him about it. But looking in his eyes just swallowed everything. There was a peace here beyond all fathoming and i just became still. He asked me,
  - "What do you think i see in your eyes?"
  - "The same as i see in your eyes - a crystal clear lake without waves."
  - "Yes, endless beauty. See it! Everyone else can." (motioning to the audience) >pause< "I can cut your head off now if you want."
  - "Yes, sure!"
  - "In India they have a special ceremony where one circles the teacher three times and so on. We'll do it a bit simpler here... Pick a flower and give it to me and say 'I give you my mind' three times.

I picked a flower from a vase beside me and put it on at his feet and said 'I give you my mind', 'I give you my mind'... Suddenly everything seemed quite serious. This was no joke. I hesitated. People laughed. 'I give you... my... mind!' With no idea of what was happening, i suddenly felt as if i was dying/being born reminding me of certain intense experiences with psychedelics. "Oh God! Oh God!" I cried and let out several primal screams. Vartman calmly picked up the flower and smelled it. I calmed down and he looked at me severely and said, "From now on, it's my mind. Whenever you feel
thoughts of self-judgement etc coming, you don't touch them. Whenever you feel nice thoughts you want to hold on to, don't. Give them to me because it's my mind."
Then he asked me to sing so i sang "Total Freedom" and "I Am Free" (to the tune of "Let It Be"), the last one everyone sang along.

Afterwards, i could only say that everything was the same - same thoughts, feelings and habits - yet it felt as though some little knot or cramp or tiny piece of glowing coal had been extinguished, nipped.
The image i got was of an entire spiral galaxy of compicated relationships rotating, everything interdependent but all dependent on the center. And the central point had been removed. The galaxy is still spinning but is now unravelling at the same time.

The effects of this are hard to say, only that everything seems to be taking place in space, there is somehow no one to put things in order.
Somehow things are still in order, though... This is Peace and the whole next day was This.

After two days, at home working in our apartment, some situation frustration and anger arose and then the whole old army of thoughts of self-judgement etc trooped in. "I got angry. This is not enlightened
behavior. I must have lost it - again! I will never get it!" Anguish, despair etc. The tendency was strong to once again fall into that. But this time, i really understood: there is a committment here. I don't
have to give in to these thoughts. Feelings of worthlessness, total unenlightenment washing through... I just focussed on the Peace i see in Vartman's eyes and offered it all to That. Then after a time, the
feelings ebbed away and Peace was again present.

This has happened several times and i see now that it is not the primary reactions which are the problem, but all the secondary mental activity generated in it's wake in relation to me. In my case there was alot of unconscious ideas of what enlightened should look like and i continually guaged my actions, thoughts and feelings against this idea, coming up short almost all the time. Vartman said, "So what?" and now i see it really doesn't matter what comes up. It is not truth, just phenomena passing through. Some unpleasant some pleasant but all taking place in a sea of Peace.

Life goes on much as before, but i enjoy it as never before, can't take things so bloody seriously anymore. This is the way life is meant to be!

Ah! Yes.

Ananda
 
Ananda Sky's 
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